nosdrinker:

*steps out onto balcony* where are my fans at

spoopycopequinn:

I babysit for a girl who used to think her mom’s name was “my love” because her dad said it so often to her and that’s just freaking cute I can’t

teencry:

*adds something to snapchat story to make it look like i have a life*

I TRIED TO KILL A HUGE ASS MOSQUITO JUST NOW BUT I MISSED AND IDK WHERE THE FUCK IT IS RN

vibruhtor:

is doctor who over or did i just cut out the right people from my life

shutupaubrey:

Did it hurt when you fell from my giant asshole

yesings:

what if i died in like twenty years and all i left my girlfriend was a box and like she gasps and reaches down to her chest where her key necklace hangs that i gave her twenty two years ago, and she uses it to unlock the box and all that is in there is a string which you can pull to reveal an embarrassing photo of spongebob at the christmas party

laptopped:

"you’re all posers" i say to the models. they are very good at their job